January 2012
3 posts
5 tags
Newt Gingrich Requests "Open Campaign"
CHARLESTON, SC: Renowned jowl enthusiast, Newt Gingrich, is requesting an “open campaign” following his rebounding pole numbers in the South Carolina primary.
According to a spokesman for Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House “appreciates his own campaign, but it also attracted to Mitt Romney’s campaign since it is so successful,” and because it has “a...
4 tags
Apathetic Teen Loses God, Recovering Alcoholic...
DIGLET, PA: Recovering alcoholic, Walter Smegs, is being honored for finding a local teen’s lost god.
According to reports, the teen, Skyler Moody, lost god after breaking up with his girlfriend. Allegedly, Moody thought he and his sweetheart “would be together forever.”
In a recent interview, Smegs described finding the lost god as “truly joyous,” and...
3 tags
In Protest of SOPA and PIPA, College Students...
CHINA, IL: College Students nationwide protested SOPA and PIPA by blacking out Wednesday evening.
Students got the idea after being unable to use Wikipedia to write their papers. Word of the student blackout was spread via Twitter with #letsgetshitfaced.
“I’m proud to be blacking out so hard tonight,” said fraternity brother Henry “Dave” Mathews, before adding...
December 2011
6 posts
5 tags
Mayor Bloomberg Declares Raichu "Epidemic" in NYC
NEW YORK, NY: Mayor Mike Bloomberg declared that the recent raichu population boom has hit “epidemic proportions.”
Department of Wildlife officials have attributed the phenomenon to a relatively mild winter.
Residents have been advised to keep trash in proper receptacles and to keep any outdoor electrical outlets covered.
3 tags
Nicholas "Santa" Claus Arrested on Breaking and...
WARWICK, RI: Nicholas “Santa” Clause was arrested early this morning by Warwick police on charges of breaking and entering.
At approximately 12:15 A.M local time, authorities arrived at 1225 Chestnut Avenue after receiving a call that an unknown person had entered the premises. Police found Claus in the living room “eating cookies” and “fiddling around with...
6 tags
Deadmau5 Caught in Rat Trap
DETROIT, MI: Deadmau5 was hospitalized after being caught in a rat trap Tuesday evening.
At approximately 5:43 P.M, an EMT unit responded to a call from the kitchen at Il Italiano Ristorrante. When paramedics arrived, staff directed them to a trap by the dry storage area, where they found Mr. Mau5 caught. He was after a packet of oyster crackers.
Mau5 is expected to make a full recovery from...
13 tags
Mike Rowe Runs Out of Toilet Paper
WINESBURG, OH: TV personality and noted Pog enthusiast, Mike Rowe, was involved in an incident in a Wendy’s bathroom yesterday afternoon.
The incident occurred when Rowe, who had ordered a large #6, ran out of toilet paper in the rest facilities. According to reports, at approximately 3:12 P.M, Rowe could be heard screaming for help from the dining room.
When Randall McMandel, the shift...
11 tags
Free Willy to Begin Charging in 2012
SEATTLE, WA: After much speculation, it was announced late today that Free Willy will begin charging in the first quarter of 2012.
The economic downturn was cited as the reason for the new costs.
Existing Willy customers will get a prorated membership fee, however, new customers can expect charges upward of $12/mo, though the official rates have yet to be announced.
The new fees are intended...
8 tags
Santa Joins #Occupy Movement
NORTH POLE, RUSSIA: At a press conference earlier today, Santa Claus announced he was leaving his position at his toy shop to join the Occupy Movement at its North Pole encampment.
“Corporate greed has ruined my life,” Claus stated, referencing previous labor abuse allegations against Mattel and Hasbro.
The North Pole Police Department promised no protection of Clause from pepper...
October 2011
3 posts
7 tags
New Study Finds Genetic Difference Between Puppets...
VANCOUVER, B.C; A team of genetic researchers at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver says the genetic drift between puppets and muppets is .017%, far less than previously thought.
The the team, lead by Dr. Rafaelle LaFapha, studied a group of forty anonymous puppets and muppets using a new method of genetic modeling.
“I think the results give credence to Theory D,” said...
21 tags
Bank of America Forcloses on White House
WASHINGMACHINE, D.C: Bank of America announced earlier today that it has begun foreclosing on the White House.
President Obama was surprised to hear that he was being evicted. “I thought they were my friends! I mean, I gave them all that money.”
According to a B of A representative, the executive mansion was mortgaged during the Bush administration in order to finance a cocaine...
15 tags
Ashton Kutcher Enters Rehab for Jenkem Addiction
POINT PLACE, WI: Actor and closet puppet-fan, Ashton Kutcher, entered rehab earlier today for a jenkem addiction.
According to a spokesperson for Kutcher, the addiction was responsible for his recent infidelity, especially “the raw-dogging aspect.”
Jenkem, a drug distilled in a plastic bottle from human feces, is known to cause bad-acting, smugness, sexual promiscuity, coprophillia...
September 2011
7 posts
12 tags
FDA Considers Deeming "The Rich" Safe for Human...
WASHINGTON, D.Z DISCOVERY ZONE: The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) released a statement earlier today saying it is considering listing “The Rich” as food.
The statement, released at approximately 11:30 A.M EST, cited “popular demand” as a reason for the administration’s possible move.
“We saw all those “East The Rich” t-shirts and signs...
10 tags
New Facebook Layout Causes Impotence in Lab Mice
CITY FOLK; KS: Tests on lab mice have shown the new Facebook redesign to cause impotence.
The study, involving over 500 anonymous mice, was conducted by the University of Kansas’ Professor Emeritus of Useless Studies, Dr. Gabor Raskolnikov.
“What we found was that participants were so confused by things like the new mini-Facebook in the corner of the regular Facebook, that not only...
16 tags
Steve Jobs to Cheat Death by Storing Brain on...
CUPERTINO, CA: Apple Inc. has announced plans to store Steve Jobs’ brain on iCloud upon his death.
According to Apple, the move is intended to reassure investors of the company’s stability just as much as it is intended to allow Jobs to buy his way out of dying.
“I’m so confident in iCloud, I’d bet my life on it!” Jobs joked in a recent interview. “No,...
13 tags
President Obama Says Partisan Politics Are "So...
WASHINGMACHINE, D.C: In a recent tweet, President Obama said Republican obstruction of his jobs initiative was “so Raven.”
The tweet, released around 11 A.M Monday morning, read “Seriously Republicans? No jobs? That’s so Raven #truebloodfinale.”
Speaker of the House, John Bohener, R-OH, responded to the President in a press release, saying Obama was “so...
13 tags
Mike "The Situation" Electrocutes Self During...
NEWER JERSEY, ITALY: Mike “The Situation” was hospitalized Sunday after sticking a fork in a toaster.
The incident allegedly occurred during a heated argument with The Situation’s roommate, Ronnie. Although neither party knew about what he was arguing, the self proclaimed Italian Stallion stuck the fork in the toaster to prove a point.
“HE’S ALWAYS DOING THIS...
17 tags
Beyonce Not Pregnant, Just Getting Fat
LEGOLAND, CA: Independent woman, Beyonce Knowles, is not actually pregnant, contrary to popular belief.
Rumors began circulating of Knowles being pregnant following her appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards sporting a ‘baby bump.’ However, sources within Knowles’ circle confirmed that the bump was related to McNuggets, and not a baby.
“From what I’ve...
12 tags
Hank Hill DIagnosed with Autism
ARLEN, TX: Hank Hill, noted propane and propane accessories salesman, has been diagnosed with Autism.
According to a statement released by Hill’s doctors at Arlen Methodist Hospital, the diagnosis came after reviewing the Strickland employee’s obsession and idealization of propane, his emotional attachment to machinery such as his truck and lawnmower, his inappropriate relationship...
August 2011
4 posts
15 tags
"Austin Powers 4" Filming Cancelled
RENO, NV: Filming for the fourth installment of the Austin Powers franchise has come to a halt after several of the key actors walked off the set.
According to witness reports, the actors playing Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard, Goldmember, and the new villain, Professor Narcissis, stormed off the set in a range.The actor playing the title role remained on set, but was allegedly befuddled by the...
13 tags
Honker Burger Still Using Trans Fats
BLUFFINGTON, CT: A recent inspection by the Food and Drug Administration revealed that Honker Burger Inc. ( NASDAQ HKB) still uses trans fats, despite advertisements that said otherwise.
The FDA became suspicious after three employees at the Bluffington branch suffered heart attacks over a two-week period.
“I thought they might be lying about how healthy their food was,” said...
10 tags
Carlos Mencia Doesn't Know How to Tie His Shoes
HOLLYWOOD, CA: In a recent expose, Time Magazine revealed that Ned “Carlos Mencia” Holmes doesn’t know how to tie his shoes.
Experts familiar with the situation have agreed that this is due to the fact that Mencia is an idiot.
“Yeah, I saw him once and he was wearing Velcro shoes,” said Crispin Glover, star of Back to the Future and Willard. “Then he saw I had...
15 tags
Carlos Mencia Starts Fire
HOLLYWOOD, CA: Los Angeles firefighters responded to a fire at Ned “Carlos Mencia” Holmes’ apartment Wednesday evening.
According to the report, the L.A.F.D. received a call at approximately 4:00 P.M. from a neighbor.
Mencia, known for stealing jokes and his famous Fruit by the Foot fetish, reportedly started the fire while trying to make popcorn. The comedian allegedly put the...
July 2011
10 posts
18 tags
Daniel Tosh Gets Beaten Up
BOSTON, MA: Bromosexual comedian Daniel Tosh was beaten up after a show in Boston last Friday.
Apparently, the one-time spokesman for Taco Bell was leaving The Cheesecake Factory, where he had ordered a salad for dinner, when the incident occurred. Witnesses said Tosh made a snide remark to someone much stronger than him, provoking a physical altercation.
“It was really embarrassing for...
14 tags
Out of Sympathy for Chain Boostore, U.S. Gov't...
PHOENIX, AZ: The United States Government has announced plans to close its borders permanently. The move was intended as a sympathetic gesture towards Borders Booksellers, the iconic chain of bookstores that recently met its demise.
“Nobody’s getting in, nobody’s getting out,” said Marlow Constable, project manager for the borders closure. “Let’s just hope...
13 tags
Andy Dick Sexually Assaults Mall Escalator
BURLINGTON, MA: Andy Dick was arrested Wednesday afternoon on charges he sexually assaulted a “down” escalator at the mall.
At approximately 1:34 P.M, Dick was seen approaching the escalator. According to witnesses, the star of Road Trip asked the moving staircase if it “would go down on [him]” before, giggling, removing his pants, and committing the act.
“I...
12 tags
Rosie O'Donnell Trapped in Airplane Bathroom
THE BATHROOM, AN AIRPLANE: Comedy legend and renowned actress Rosie O’Donnell was trapped in an airplane bathroom for nearly 4 hours earlier today. The incident occurred aboard a JetBlue flight bound for Minneapolis, because O’Donnell was too cheap to spring for something nicer.
According to witnesses, at approximately 11:30 this morning, loud banging and profane shouting began...
13 tags
Miley Cyrus Loses Swarm of Butterflies
HOLLYWOOD, CA: Miley “Hannah Montana” Cyrus lost her prized swarm of Monarch butterflies earlier this week.
According to reports, the daughter of professional creeper, Billy Ray Cyrus, was nodding her head like yeah and moving her hips like yeah when her butterflies flew away.
The incident occurred at an underage cocaine party hosted by Cyrus’ father for her and her friends....
15 tags
R&B Star Usher Escorted Out of Movie Theater...
SEATTLE, WA: R&B artist “Usher” Terry Raymond IV was escorted from a movie theater by a movie usher Saturday evening.
The incident occurred at the Seattle AMC Theater during “The 10,” at a showing of Horrible Bosses.
According to witnesses, Usher became enraged after a fellow patron shouted “Hey look! It’s Usher!” and pointed to the movie usher...
14 tags
Robin Williams Eats Cat Food!
WACO, TX: Robin Williams entered rehab earlier today for a cat food addiction.
According to sources, Williams looked fine but smelled “kind of odd.” In addition to the actor’s odor, the addiction has allegedly affected his social life, making it impossible for him to dine out in normal restaurants.
Dr. Neville Larson-Boson, Williams’ rehabilitating physician, reported...
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11 tags
Arthur "Where's" Waldo Found, Arrested in Palm...
PALM BEACH, FL: Reputed mobster and murderer Arthur “Where’s” Waldo was located and arrested early Friday morning after a two-and-a-half decade hunt.
Waldo gained fame for his ability to elude authorities by slipping into large crowds of similarly-dressed people.
The turtlenecked trickster was wanted for 47 counts of murder, in addition to charges of extortion, rape, regicide,...
20 tags
Mila Kunis Breaks Garbage Disposal
WINDOWS VISTA, CA: Actress Mila Kunis broke the garbage disposal in her California home Wednesday night.
According to repair man, Rivers Tangela, the disposal broke when Kunis dropped her fork into it. In his professional opinion, “you can’t put a fork in the garbage disposal.”
Kunis, best known for talking on her cellphone while ordering at Starbucks, has remained silent about...
13 tags
Hayden Panetierre Crushed by Vending Machine
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY: Hayden Panetierre was crushed by a vending machine this morning.
According to reports, the machine fell over onto Panetierre as the actress and Mazda owner attempted to dislodge her pack of peanut M&Ms. They cost 75 cents.
“She was shaking it like crazy,” said Windholm Stradt, eye-witness to the incident. “She said the f-word a lot then it tipped over. I...
June 2011
14 posts
8 tags
Being "Yourself" Leads to Unpopularity, Study...
MIDDLE SCHOOL, USA: A new study conducted by researchers at Washington Middle School found that being “yourself” leads to unpopularity.
These results bring into question previous conclusions that being one’s self lead to people “liking you.”
In the study, consisting of 700 subjects between the ages of 11 and 13, the children that were “themselves”...
16 tags
Soulja Boy Killed in Action
DULUTH, MN: Soulja Boy was killed in action while serving in the War on Memes.
According to the official report, Boy died after suffering serious injuries to his ego.
“The attack came out of nowhere,” said his commanding officer. “We were doing maneuvers on the internet when someone tweeted that [Boy} sucked.”
Services will be held this Wednesday on LimeWire.
14 tags
Whoopi Goldberg Finds Missing Eyebrows
TORONTO, ON: Alleged Benodryl addict Whoopi Goldberg found her missing eyebrows while cleaning her living room earlier today. Sources report that they were under a cushion on her love seat.
Goldberg’s eyebrows have been absent from her face since they went on strike in 1978. According to testimony, they had planned on returning to work but got bad directions from a loiterer outside a Dairy...
28 tags
BREAKING: APPLE REVEALED TO BE SKYNET
CUPERTINO, CA: A patent leaked this morning revealed that Apple Computers Inc. is actually SkyNet. It described creating “self-aware devices everybody likes so much, they’re willing to let anything happen to them, including the subjugation of humanity.”
Many remember SkyNet as the reason why John Connor’s best friend is also his father.
In an early draft of Jobs’...
18 tags
Kevin James Attempts Suicide Over Release of...
LOS ANGELES, CA: Plus-sized comedian and occasional philatelist, Kevin James, was found in the garage of his home this morning after a failed suicide attempt.
James tried to suffocate himself by running his car in his garage. The attempt failed because the actor’s car was electric.
According to reports, James was distraught over the release of his forthcoming movie, Zookeeper, which even...
18 tags
Parent Miraculously Disappears, Then Reappears...
HIGHCHAIR, THE KITCHEN: A local mother spontaneously disappeared Monday afternoon.
According to reports, Wendy Webelos was playing with her son in his highchair, before vanishing and reappearing seconds later.
“I was like, wait, what the fuck?” said her son, age 1, whose name is being withheld. “I was trying to eat my cheerios, then poof, she was gone.”
No explanation...
17 tags
Swiss Team Engineers First Hipster-Juggalo
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND: Scientists have genetically engineered the world’s first known hipster-juggalo.
The team made the announcement at a press conference Thursday morning.
“This is a true achievement in pointlessness,” stated Dr. Kembrall Wallace, Faygo analyst for the team. “We have achieved absolutely nothing for the betterment of humanity.”
Reports indicated...
30 tags
Vancouver Residents Finally Sober, Wonder Who...
VANCOUVER, BC: Vancouver residents sobered up from their collective blackout at approximately 12:18 this afternoon.
The cause/victims of the riots awoke to burned out police cruisers, flipped-over cars, massive fire damage, Canucks Team Merchandise, and somebody’s lost iPhone.
“Wellp [sic], we lost was why,” explains Grauld Normuck, Vancouver business owner and victim of the...
20 tags
Shia LaBeouf Wears a Fanny Pack!
LOS ANGELES, CA: Actor and chair enthusiast Shia LaBeouf was spotted wearing a fanny pack.
The incident occurred around 3:17 today. LaBeouf reportedly wore the pack in front, eschewing the pack’s intended location.
LaBeouf is among few under the age of sixty, or not white-trash, to have worn a fanny pack in public since 1993. This almost certainly confirms recent allegations of him being...
27 tags
Engagement: Lady Gaga to Wed Lord Googoo
NEW YORK, NY: Lady Gaga surprised the world this morning by announcing her engagement to Lord Googoo, a relatively unknown dance instructor.
According to our anonymous source, the couple met when Googoo tried to teach Gaga a dance routine for her “Born This Way” video. Our source also reported that the instruction was “largely in vain.”
Unlike Gaga, Googoo’s name is...
17 tags
Tom Cruise Joins Even Crazier "Church of...
NAPPA VALLEY, CA: Tom Cruise has converted to an even crazier religion, Voovooshadoobology.
According to Cruise, his wife, Katie Holmes, made the switch of her own free will. Holmes was not available for comment.
The religion has been reported to believe in making, and selling, cheap wine to get into the afterlife. Their leader, Frank DiPalma, also known “Father Cronitron,” founded...
19 tags
Anthony Wiener Scandal Overshadowed by Senator...
WASHINGTON, D.C: Senator Ilene Vagina, R-IL, is facing ridicule for tweeting inappropriate pictures to every user of Twitter. Sources say that the photos are “exactly what they sound like.”
In response, Senator Vagina has joined with Senator Anthony Wiener, D-NY, to form a committee investigating Twitter’s policy of allowing its users to throw away their careers with a single...
21 tags
George Lopez Elicits Unprompted Laugh From...
LOS ANGELES, CA: George Lopez surprised the world this morning by making an audience laugh spontaneously during a taping of The George Lopez Show.
According to members of the audience, the joke was actually kind of funny.
“Usually,” explains Parking Meter Enforcement Officer, Dan Lloyd, “I think his jokes are just kind of simple or off color. But I actually thought this one was good.”
Rumor...
13 tags
Who Was Evicted From a Pineapple Under the Sea?...
BIKINI BOTTOM, NJ: SpongeRobert “SpongeBob” SquarePants was forcibly removed from his pineapple residence early this morning for nonpayment of rent.
The scene turned violent when SquarePants, who was heavily intoxicated at the time of the incident, began making repeated anti-Semitic remarks towards one of the officers on the scene and attacked him.
Cassandra “Sandy” Cheeks, SquarePants’ sexual...
May 2011
20 posts
30 tags
Paula Dean Charged with Drunk and Disorderly,...
DOWN HOME YA’LL, GA: Celebrity chef, Paula Dean, was arrested this past weekend for drunk and disorderly conduct, as well as aggravated assault and battery of a bus boy at an unnamed Atlanta dining establishment.
Dean, renowned for her home style cooking and problem drinking, reportedly had a blood-alcohol content of .981, a personal best for her as well as a medical first for the human...
21 tags
Woody Allen Diagnosed as 'Normal,' It's Everyone...
NEW YORK, NY: Writer, director, and motorist, Woody Allen, has been officially diagnosed as normal. This comes as a surprise after having been previously diagnosed as weird.
Allen performed the test himself by nervously pacing back and forth while babbling quietly. The results came in after the standard 72 hour period of introspection, panic attacks, and self loathing customary for such tests.
...