December 2011
6 posts
5 tags
Mayor Bloomberg Declares Raichu "Epidemic" in NYC
NEW YORK, NY: Mayor Mike Bloomberg declared that the recent raichu population boom has hit “epidemic proportions.”
Department of Wildlife officials have attributed the phenomenon to a relatively mild winter.
Residents have been advised to keep trash in proper receptacles and to keep any outdoor electrical outlets covered.
3 tags
Nicholas "Santa" Claus Arrested on Breaking and...
WARWICK, RI: Nicholas “Santa” Clause was arrested early this morning by Warwick police on charges of breaking and entering.
At approximately 12:15 A.M local time, authorities arrived at 1225 Chestnut Avenue after receiving a call that an unknown person had entered the premises. Police found Claus in the living room “eating cookies” and “fiddling around with...
6 tags
Deadmau5 Caught in Rat Trap
DETROIT, MI: Deadmau5 was hospitalized after being caught in a rat trap Tuesday evening.
At approximately 5:43 P.M, an EMT unit responded to a call from the kitchen at Il Italiano Ristorrante. When paramedics arrived, staff directed them to a trap by the dry storage area, where they found Mr. Mau5 caught. He was after a packet of oyster crackers.
Mau5 is expected to make a full recovery from...
13 tags
Mike Rowe Runs Out of Toilet Paper
WINESBURG, OH: TV personality and noted Pog enthusiast, Mike Rowe, was involved in an incident in a Wendy’s bathroom yesterday afternoon.
The incident occurred when Rowe, who had ordered a large #6, ran out of toilet paper in the rest facilities. According to reports, at approximately 3:12 P.M, Rowe could be heard screaming for help from the dining room.
When Randall McMandel, the shift...
11 tags
Free Willy to Begin Charging in 2012
SEATTLE, WA: After much speculation, it was announced late today that Free Willy will begin charging in the first quarter of 2012.
The economic downturn was cited as the reason for the new costs.
Existing Willy customers will get a prorated membership fee, however, new customers can expect charges upward of $12/mo, though the official rates have yet to be announced.
The new fees are intended...
8 tags
Santa Joins #Occupy Movement
NORTH POLE, RUSSIA: At a press conference earlier today, Santa Claus announced he was leaving his position at his toy shop to join the Occupy Movement at its North Pole encampment.
“Corporate greed has ruined my life,” Claus stated, referencing previous labor abuse allegations against Mattel and Hasbro.
The North Pole Police Department promised no protection of Clause from pepper...