WASHINGMACHINE, D.C: Bank of America announced earlier today that it has begun foreclosing on the White House.

President Obama was surprised to hear that he was being evicted. “I thought they were my friends! I mean, I gave them all that money.”

According to a B of A representative, the executive mansion was mortgaged during the Bush administration in order to finance a cocaine relapse. Foreclosure proceedings began after the congressional super-committee cut mortgage payments from the budget.

Committee member, Senator John Kerry (D-MA), explained that he and his colleagues “had to do it because property values in metro-D.C. fell and the mortgage was underwater.”

According to reports, the house has already been resold to a lovely couple from Oyster Bay who intend to replace the lawn with environmentally-friendly wood chips.