VANCOUVER, BC: Vancouver residents sobered up from their collective blackout at approximately 12:18 this afternoon.

The cause/victims of the riots awoke to burned out police cruisers, flipped-over cars, massive fire damage, Canucks Team Merchandise, and somebody’s lost iPhone.

“Wellp [sic], we lost was why,” explains Grauld Normuck, Vancouver business owner and victim of the riots. “You know, it’s hockey. I for one burnt down my own store.”

No word yet if the owner of the iPhone has been found, partly because the battery is dead and partly because I want it.