PHOENIX, AZ: The United States Government has announced plans to close its borders permanently. The move was intended as a sympathetic gesture towards Borders Booksellers, the iconic chain of bookstores that recently met its demise.

“Nobody’s getting in, nobody’s getting out,” said Marlow Constable, project manager for the borders closure. “Let’s just hope there isn’t a fire.”

Political commentator, Mark Dollinger, condemned the move as racist. “This is clearly a racist, anti-immigrant action against people of Canadian origin.”

The closure of borders is expected to negatively affect supplies of high-quality marijuana from British Columbia, while the closure of Borders is expected to negatively affect nothing, because apparently, nobody went there.