Posts tagged fake news

CHARLESTON, SC: Renowned jowl enthusiast, Newt Gingrich, is requesting an “open campaign” following his rebounding pole numbers in the South Carolina primary.

According to a spokesman for Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House “appreciates his own campaign, but it also attracted to Mitt Romney’s campaign since it is so successful,” and because it has “a nice rack.”

However, sources within Gingrich’s circle speculate the request for an open campaign may be related to his electile dysfunction, an embarrassing problem for the 68-year old.

CHINA, IL: College Students nationwide protested SOPA and PIPA by blacking out Wednesday evening.

Students got the idea after being unable to use Wikipedia to write their papers. Word of the student blackout was spread via Twitter with #letsgetshitfaced.

“I’m proud to be blacking out so hard tonight,” said fraternity brother Henry “Dave” Mathews, before adding “I hate sopapillas.”

The student blackout supersedes previous plans to blackout.

NEW YORK, NY: Mayor Mike Bloomberg declared that the recent raichu population boom has hit “epidemic proportions.”

Department of Wildlife officials have attributed the phenomenon to a relatively mild winter.

Residents have been advised to keep trash in proper receptacles and to keep any outdoor electrical outlets covered.

DETROIT, MI: Deadmau5 was hospitalized after being caught in a rat trap Tuesday evening.

At approximately 5:43 P.M, an EMT unit responded to a call from the kitchen at Il Italiano Ristorrante. When paramedics arrived, staff directed them to a trap by the dry storage area, where they found Mr. Mau5 caught. He was after a packet of oyster crackers.

Mau5 is expected to make a full recovery from injuries to his leg, abdomen, and ribs, though the restaurant, as well as Pestpro, has filed a restraining order.

WINESBURG, OH: TV personality and noted Pog enthusiast, Mike Rowe, was involved in an incident in a Wendy’s bathroom yesterday afternoon.

The incident occurred when Rowe, who had ordered a large #6, ran out of toilet paper in the rest facilities. According to reports, at approximately 3:12 P.M, Rowe could be heard screaming for help from the dining room.

When Randall McMandel, the shift supervisor on duty,went to the restroom to check on the situation, he found “Mike Rowe in the middle stall, with his hand reaching out…he kept saying, ‘oh, thank God, somebody came, oh thank God.’”

Allegedly, Rowe became furious when several patrons entered the men’s room and began taunting him with “Dirty Jobs” jokes.

There has been no word as to whether or not Rowe received toilet papet.

SEATTLE, WA: After much speculation, it was announced late today that Free Willy will begin charging in the first quarter of 2012.

The economic downturn was cited as the reason for the new costs.

Existing Willy customers will get a prorated membership fee, however, new customers can expect charges upward of $12/mo, though the official rates have yet to be announced.

The new fees are intended to cover the cost of damages to Willy’s tank and several actors’ careers.

NORTH POLE, RUSSIA: At a press conference earlier today, Santa Claus announced he was leaving his position at his toy shop to join the Occupy Movement at its North Pole encampment.

“Corporate greed has ruined my life,” Claus stated, referencing previous labor abuse allegations against Mattel and Hasbro.

The North Pole Police Department promised no protection of Clause from pepper spray, but did say that it vowed to enforce the eviction deadline of December 24th.

As of now, there are no plans for Claus to make his scheduled December 25th deliveries. However, Citigroup promised that in the absence of toys, it will give every child on Claus’ list a credit card with no spending limit and a reasonable 35% interest rate so they can “fully enjoy the season.”

VANCOUVER, B.C; A team of genetic researchers at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver says the genetic drift between puppets and muppets is .017%, far less than previously thought.

The the team, lead by Dr. Rafaelle LaFapha, studied a group of forty anonymous puppets and muppets using a new method of genetic modeling.

“I think the results give credence to Theory D,” said Dr. LaFapha.

Theory D hypothesizes that muppets are nothing more than puppets with a different name.

The theory has caused some controversy, however. Many have found it to be slanderous since it operates on the assumption that Jim Henson coined the term while hallucinating on mushrooms.

The study also found that academic scientists can easily exploit universities out of money by getting them to fund obviously ridiculous studies.

WASHINGMACHINE, D.C: Bank of America announced earlier today that it has begun foreclosing on the White House.

President Obama was surprised to hear that he was being evicted. “I thought they were my friends! I mean, I gave them all that money.”

According to a B of A representative, the executive mansion was mortgaged during the Bush administration in order to finance a cocaine relapse. Foreclosure proceedings began after the congressional super-committee cut mortgage payments from the budget.

Committee member, Senator John Kerry (D-MA), explained that he and his colleagues “had to do it because property values in metro-D.C. fell and the mortgage was underwater.”

According to reports, the house has already been resold to a lovely couple from Oyster Bay who intend to replace the lawn with environmentally-friendly wood chips.

POINT PLACE, WI: Actor and closet puppet-fan, Ashton Kutcher, entered rehab earlier today for a jenkem addiction.

According to a spokesperson for Kutcher, the addiction was responsible for his recent infidelity, especially “the raw-dogging aspect.”

Jenkem, a drug distilled in a plastic bottle from human feces, is known to cause bad-acting, smugness, sexual promiscuity, coprophillia and butterfly-effects.

Kutcher’s doctors released a statement saying the actor will be refused Taco Bell during his treatment.